How to Get a New iPhone 5 for Free in 13 Steps

So, the other day my lovely daughter, who is usually quiet as a mouse, accompanied me to the eye doctor. At first, everything went according to my plans.

I fed her before going to the eye doctor.

I changed her before leaving the house.

I she was sound asleep the entire time… until we get to the eye doctor.


All hell broke lose… she proceeded to scream her head off and use the rest room 4x in Iphone5creackeda row. To add insult to injury I only had the “N” sized diapers, and she’s now a “1.”

You’re probably wondering… umm I thought this was about getting a free iPhone? Well it is.. shut your mouth and keep reading!

In the middle of the eye exam, oh I forgot to tell you I’m blind as a bat, she decides to take a monster dump. I’m mean a huge one…

So, being blind and feeling for wipes and diapers, I put my phone in my breast pocket, and I bend over and hear screen cracking / le sigh.

I change her, finish the eye exam, and leave the eye doctor, and she’s quiet as a mouse again (can you say frustrated?).

Anywho…  cracked phone screens are no beuno, so I needed to get a new phone immediately… I’m talking within 24 hours.

Now… I’m going to show you the 13 steps I did to get a new iPhone 5 after cracking my screen.


1. Obtain a broken iPhone 5

Preferably the one you just broke while changing a diaper of your lovely newborn.

2. Make your appointment as soon as the Apple store nearest you opens.

It’s easier to deal with people in the morning, before they get worn out by the Apple fan boys.

3. Wear a clothes that fit you well. Show off your best assets.

If you’re a guy, show a little muscle. If you’re a girl, show a little of the breastessess or dat ass.

4. Show up 5 minutes early.

This will give you time to mingle with the other associates, you never know who will serve you at the Apple store.

5. Look the associate in the eye, smile and say, “I’m here for my appointment.”

Someone will come to you, or you will find them at the front of the store. Think happy thoughts and smile, dammit.

6. Complement the associate on something he or she is wearing.

Check the associate out, find something that looks great on them and say something, if they don’t look great… fake it.

7. Smile some more.

Really sell that smile and that winning attitude.

8. When you’re telling the story on how you broke your iphone, smile and laugh, make eye contact. Then compliment the associate again.

I talked about my eye doctor situation and my daughter, the associate laughed and showed sympathy.

9. They will say, “The phone will cost $229, but if one of the buttons is messed up we can replace it (with a grin)).

They essentially are saying “Hey, say something is wrong with the button. I got you.” The associate said this after knowing damn well nothing was wrong with my buttons.

10. Say… “You know the home button sticks some times, but it’s random.

Play along because this is true. Everyone’s home button sticks, it’s usually some food particles, but hey sticking is sticking 🙂

11. They will say, “Well, based on that, I can give you a new phone for free. I’ll be right back.”

Essentially, you made a silent agreement with a disgruntled Apple employee to get back at the system.

12. You say, “Thank you, you’re awesome.”

End with a compliment.

13. They leave and you do a Harlem shake while repeating “We outchea ya bish.”

You don’t really have to do this one, but they will come back and give you a new phone. Compliment them some more, so they remember you the next time you break your phone.


  • Jonathan Jones /

    Haha this is brilliant. I personally don’t have an iPhone 5S, but my sister does. She is constantly breaking whatever technology she gets a hold of. If she breaks her iPhone 5S, I’ll now know exactly what to do. Hopefully it works, as she’ll likely get ME to go to the Apple store to show off my non-existent muscles & charm, both of which I am working on.

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